Three entries in, I'm noticing a pattern in my faith.
I keep saying I'm paying attention. I keep saying I'm sitting with things. I keep saying I haven't landed.
At some point that stops being faithful and starts being a hiding place.
I've been treating faith like an open question. Forever. Every belief held loosely, every conviction qualified, every position followed by "but I'm still working it out." It sounds humble. I'm not sure it is.
There's a difference between holding faith honestly and refusing to commit to anything God's actually said. I think I've been doing the second and calling it the first.
Faith is supposed to do something. Believe something. Stand on something. You can't follow Christ from a permanent maybe. At some point the honest thing is to decide. To say yes to a practice. To say no to a teaching. To pick up a discipline I keep almost picking up.
I'm not announcing a list. I don't have one. What I have is a quieter question I'm starting to ask when I notice something spiritually off in me: okay, and now what.
Sometimes the answer is wait. Sometimes it's pray. Sometimes it's a small obedience I've been avoiding because obedience feels louder than reflection.
Paying attention got me here. But attention without surrender is a very polite kind of unbelief.
I've been polite for long enough.